my inner boy

My inner boy feel that I don't know where I need to go or take a refuge. Perhaps it will be in me yet, I feel very sad right now. Perhaps I didn't express my sorrows and anxiety enough for other person understand and same time people they don't like to hear your stories so much unless it is very important for you. Whenever I have deep conversations with C, we face same problem. where we start was not right, so her feeling about us is not right. feels like long summer romance, flame and healing between each other through lost in others. I need to ask a questions about do I really love her. Yes, I do.. I think she is the person I really liked and gave so much joy and freedom and same time I don't want to face difficult jam for her life. I love  her so much  I can make her mind comfortable in her ways. My inner boy feel very sad and same time what can I do. I can be very angry but doesn't solve anything. silence and time ...I need.

Gap

came back from Swizerland and it was very amazing and inspirational time with me because I always dreamed about Swizerland and like to Visit Karen and do hiking. I saw very beautiful mountains and met different friends and explored many different city.

Now I came back and in Christa's house.
I wam very happy to see her and same time I was so excited to share what I bought and also my journey when I was in Swizerland. But it seems like many things going on in her world. First, she is in process of transition of her work and consume her.

Feels stuck for her.

Another one is that she enjoys the hanging out with different man. Because different individual reflect different quality within her and seems like is amused by this process. Same time it makes it sense that if she think about her future, she need to think about best candidates for her and her life. I am the person who goes with flow and get best of where I am and who I am with.

The matter is not what I don't understand about her. The matter is that I love her very much. Many different thought arises and she is the person who makes my inner boy alive and felt very free in many different level. I think she feel her role with done with me and go my own path. So it allows for her to seek more possibilities for her life and bright future. I totally understand and same time my heart feel in very watery. I met the person makes me so alive and I need to let her go because I care about her, I hope that she discover her own happiness through her journey.  My heart feel heavy and I wondering how I paddle more with bright face. Th truth is I don't like that fact I need to go away.

Very hard one. I can think because I did something to Kathy and that's why i
This one is comming to me ? Blessing and pain together. The life offers such blessing and pain. And sorrows. Because things are changing and we cannot hold it because everything goes its own.

The matter is that she gave her energy to different ones and equally she enjoyed it, when she comes to me, she try to be present with me its own but she carries with that her energy. Perhaps it consume her and cause the psychological conflict within her and she cannot see her whole picture with me because she feel shame and guilt over what happened with me Kathy. So it makes it sense to her to go out different boys. I feel that she loves me very much but it consume her because about her parents and how other one will judge her. So the way how she value thing is not cooperating with current situations. I lover her very much and also care about deeply. I feel I need to let her go and be her as her and same time I know she needs me for now. If she enjoy her boys with just friendship, it will not cause deep conflict in her but seems like it does. If I go, what will happen. She will be alright ? Will I be alright ? Passion, love, sorrow, jealousy, human heart, emotions, thinking, psychology, interest, chemical, intentions, future plan, synchronicity, magic, amazing future and all those things swim around and living his great drama of life. This is where I am and see how it will unfold.

Preparing...

I don't know, neti, nets, Neto

Early morning, 4:24 am,9/15/2016

Today

i was listening Davi Rymsey's talk show about how to get out financial debt. I have some and working on to payback in each month. I think if I try harder, I feel I can recover soon. Actually i didn't have proper financial education so it is very good for me to plan for future and feel more stable.
Yesterday Wes very emotional because of my current situation and also Christina's concern about me and her future. I totally get it and same time I cannot force myself. But I can be much better for future. Steady and slow and keep going where light resides.

Feel very calm now and enjoying this silence now.

Movies, books, informations, work, movement, understanding and relationship, old, past my emotions with Kathy and also future plans with Christina

And things are going and running.

I enjoy conversations with young people. Their heart is healthy and beatific. I always inspired by people's passion and enthusiasm for their directions and study. And sometimes I ask questions to myself. So well...where I am heading? Bright future or whatever work ideas. I have lived many years for my own adventure and discoveries and now i feel I need to save and stabilize my life. So that I can live life with no worries and anxiety.  Money cause many problem for me and even change my direction for in some situations. I think I am done with it. I want to feel more free and liberations. I think I will work toward, step by step. I have emergency money saved up, so I need to work on kill my credit card debt one by one. So I will be very proud of my self.

Perhaps if is sign that I am doing well and need to see each month how I am improving.

Enjoy my day off..educate my self.

Life flows

There is a body and my mind, there is space around me and keep changing in every moments.
Every single day we wake up, eat, breathe, goes to work and thinking comes and goes, emotions are arising and passing again, experience life and feel love, kindness and gratitude from time to time.

Sometimes soaking into comfort, pleasure and seek sublime beauty and my eyes becomes bigger and brighter..life changing and am trying to adapt in given time and situations.

My mind seek for refuge in beauty and love but also not stable as rock.
constantly changing, so I need to go with it.

Feel attached but need to learn and more detached and same time my mind wonder, then where I need to be, where I need to explore and how much I need to go deeper into life.

new discoveries here and their makes my mind excited and vibrate a little bit. but I like to go deep. Perhaps I enhance my experience with other substitute.
I used to give meaning to many  things but I am losing that romantic personality.

Perhaps I think that I got all those secrets and pretend that I know something. Is it true ?
Perhaps I know how I can get pleasure from here and there.

The meaning comes from when we feel really food through good deeds or some other stuff when I like to do such as travelling, yoga, walking.

Relax my body and embrace dynamic energy when I create my own energy.
feels so good and can feel the groove and flow.

One more day to work and will have break, something exciting ? hike perhaps..yoga, movies and waking in the forest and meditate. study for how to increase my finances.

\Dreaming and I need more dreaming for makes me feel alive.
I will dream Hawaii with Christina or I will dream Mexico for Pyramid and white sand beach.
or Safari in Africa, backpacking in Europe. Create dream project, perhaps thats sounds good and financial goals and saving for better and stable future.

Looking, observing and I am here again, I think It will be back sometime to write my thought.

Resting,

Grain free diet

I have been doing grain free diet for many days. I feel many things have changed already. I feel much clarity in my brain,not so much anxiety and also no depression. I think I am very good at balancing myself in many different ways but it requires effort to make my mind centered. Since I have been doing this diet,it doesn't require so much effort to maintain my balanced awareness. My brain function very well,energy flow naturally,feel the sensations all over my body,not so much pressure in my head,much better in sinus and also when I pee,I feel much better.I didn't pay attention too much about this diet because I have been consume rice and bread for so many years.but my allegy create inflammation in my system, I feel I need to change from root level.I  have been trying accupuncture and also natural pathic method and I realized that if I don't change my diet,it will fix temporally.what we eat,it really effect mental,physical and psychological pattern.

What I eat,it effects  my genome in my DNA. DNA will form my behavior and my behavior effect my daily choices and my daily choices will effect for my week and my week will effect my month and will effect mont  to years.

I begin to see many different perspective for my  well being from diet to spiritual illumination.

I will continue this diet and like to experience how it will really transform to higher level of well being.

Life is agame but play very well

I think when things turns out very well than what I expected worse,it gave me so much mental pleasure. I think that is human basic psychology. We take a pleasure in something between outcome and expectation. Because there is a tension between and when that tension is evaporate,we call it was a good and we say it played very well. But sometime things happen and we didn't expect and prepared,so we say as tragedy. Recently lots of things are happening. Car broke down,lack of money and somehow my mind try to figure things out for living. Sometimes it feels like not pleasant but my spirit feels alive. I don't know ...maybe if I become negative things become worse. So my mind make better story to make things much better.so I like to live in some beautiful story what I like to live.
Because what I perceive is through six senses, so I can make my choice to make it for my own ways. The universe is infinite field for that exploration.

I have learn many things in many days. Not serious but sincere and play very well and you will smile in the end. Perhaps there will be another beginning but we will enjoy game of life.

Human enjoy fun.

Nothing to say

I enjoy Colin Wilson's talk and his ideas about many different topics. Sometimes I feel we are kind of same clan and same species in many ways. I like his idea about between human desperation and peak experience. Perhaps each day we all go through from desperations to peak experience and just sailing with flow of life.
Navigate through my intuition and also my interest.
My soul is looking for sublime beauty in the end also pleasure for many different level.

I think my personality is that wherever I am,I try to make it work in very best ways and not depressed about circumstances. Bring my memories,discipline,insight all necessary things come and hold together for right now.
Also I wonder if I let it go,what it will happen?
I worship the life and see so much beauty in many things and sametime require energy for that.
Maybe I am tired,want to see new evolution in me,want to find new vocabulary,new languages and create new sensations for my brain. So I feel new and again feel meaning and reason to live.

All different pieces fly and time passing by.

I feel I am on the verge of new directions and wonder I have enough power to walk continuously.

Appreciate the beauty what I enjoy.
Health,good people,bicycle,yoga,books,sky,

Maybe I am creating my own reality through many different words and make it so alive and create my inner words. Because the words create story and story create feeling,feeling give perception to life right now. If I say positive words,world seems very beautiful. If I say negative words,the world seems very negative. So,depends on what kind of vocabulary what I use,I can create my own story to tell and become my own reality. So whatever in my mind,it will become. Maybe depends on how much I concentrate. Because all different thought flying by.my words is not so complicated. So my world will not be so complicated.

Simplicity.